I have always had an avoidant relationship with vulnerability. It never came natural to me. Maybe because I didn’t gave this characteristic much thought, or because it just wasn’t practiced much in my childhood home.
Either way, vulnerability is something I want to bring more into my life to grow and become a better human. And being the start of the new year, I will start this vulnerability journey with a post on vulnerability. 🤨
The best and worst year
Last year was the best year, and worst year of my life. The best year because I made the conscious decision to take a sabbatical in order to explore the world, cultures, and people — expand my field of vision and global perspective. To open access to new ideas and enrich my world view. It was the adventure of a lifetime, until it turned into chaos.
It was late fall and I was riding a motorcycle through the a small fishing village in Oaxaca. The sun had already set and it began to get dark quickly. These were uncharted roads for me and I road with precaution, although my eyesight is poor at night and I left my glasses behind on this trip. Suddenly I was jolted from my motorcycle, and sent flying over the handlebars. My body laid contorted and motionless, and my mind was unconscious for an undetermined amount of time.
I awoke in shock, battered and bruised as an ambulance was taking me to the hospital. X-rays determined that I broke five bones in my body. I was forced to bed rest for several weeks. My body was a mess, and it created second order effects as the consequence.
Freeing emotional burdens
This is when I went through my first bout of depression in my life. I love movement, motion, and all activities that require it. In this town, I was either surfing, lacing up my shoes for sunrise runs, or playing beach volleyball, literally every day. Being immobile was an entirely new challenge. It was an incredibly tough period. I felt miserable.
Without these activities, deeper rooted emotions were bubbling up around shame and fear. Emotions I numbed for many years that brought about another level of pain and discomfort. Family trauma that I was afraid to face, where I projected outward with blame and false certainty. In truth, numbing out these emotions and hard feelings were also numbing my levels of joy, gratitude, and happiness.
Eventually, going inward brought this incredible lightness of being to a period that was heavy. Self-reflection brought more awareness. I needed to have more compassion for myself before I could with others — embrace uncertainties and things I can’t control, practice gratitude and forgiveness, become kinder to myself. I believe that by sharing this vulnerability with a wider community I incrementally started to be a better human and created more loving relationships in my life.
Please Watch
In 2010, Brené Brown gave a profound Ted Talk (back when it was good) on the subject of vulnerability. It’s one of the best videos on the internet!
Tell your children, ‘you are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.’ — Brené Brown